It all started when I was a little boy at the age of 5 watching my parents have sex. Not knowing what it was, i mimicked there motions on a doll. That is the day that i started masturbating. My parents divorce and the hurt from my father grew the abandonment and rejection made me feel worthless. The pain grew and i satisfied myself with dry humping from 5 till 11 when i discovered another form of masturbation. that is also when i accidentally stumbled upon a porn site that has change my life for the worse.
Porn became my new friend. I used porn and masturbation to make me feel loved but really it only brought me down. But the urge seamed uncontrollable and the lies seamed like truth. Porn filled my junior high years. once in high school i was seeking out girls who would give it up easy. never had sexual intercourse but got my share of pleasure... i used them to stratify my sick desire. i craved that feeling of worth but it only brought shame. one, two, three all terrible relationships based around sexual lust. watching porn didn't stop while in relationships it only increased. then it happened that i was watching porn daily. craving it...
then i found Jesus and he became real to me. that shame was washed clean but it didn't leave long. i struggled in my own power promising myself i wouldn't do it again only to fall over and over again. the shame came back. the struggle is still there. I try to be good enough and i pretend i am. most people think i am good but i am really a mess. i need grace more than religion. But i keep chancing after religion. i try to be good enough but my debt is already paid. The struggle continues. Lord i need your strength.