"Porn Addict". Everything in me hates that I carry that title.I hate that I'm a part of the statistic. I hate that I know what porn is. I hate that I've seen any of it, let alone the hours upon hours I've spent watching it. I hate that I know what a woman's body looks like without clothes on before I'm married. I hate it so much, I've "protected" women by being cruel to them if I sensed that they liked me romantically or if I liked them. After all, they deserve someone better, right? Besides, when I summoned the courage to tell the only girl I ever dated about it, she broke up with me soon after, though she shared some secrets of hers she had considered dark. I get tired of telling the accountability partners I have about whenever I mess up. I haven't seen any porn for a month, but no matter how much I don't want to, I know that as soon as temptation comes along at just the right moment, I'll fail. I'm just frustrated and fed up; there's nothing I can do about it. I'm training to fulfill God's calling on my life- to become a youth minister of some sort. I've spent a long time trying to convince God that I shouldn't be a minister- I don't deserve it. I try to remind Him of all the times that I fell so quickly- all the times I gave in so easily to something so worthless in comparison to His love. I have to say that I'm glad God doesn't listen to all our prayers- I'm glad He has other things planned for me. I know that God will somehow use all this to my good if I can just quit... I know He can use all this to help people through me. I know that the only option I have is to work through this, fight through this, or die trying. I already know that I'm going to be throwing a lot of things out in the next week of life here- books, video games, television, and other such things. Anything that leads me to this. My sex addiction will be destroyed, and I don't care what I have to destroy with it- even if it means vowing celibacy. I have a feeling I'll just fall again soon- but I'm going to try and destroy everything that causes me to sin before that happens again. I don't care what the cost is at this point- I already know how much it costs if I don't do this. I'm just going to destroy it all already.