I would like to start by saying that I have been a "Christian" for about 12 years now. I also would to say that I really do desire to please God. But, I have struggled with internet porn, masturbation, and SSA since I was about 12 years old. So my entire Christian walk has been characterized by shame, failure and despair. I have since been married and became a father. I also am on the worship team at my church and a Sunday school teacher. But, I am completely at a loss. I feel like God is through with me. I know the scripture “He will never leave you or forsake you” but I can’t say that I have had a very strong relationship with God in years. I feel like I am just here alone. Fighting to do the right thing, But I am always conquered. I have lost hope for ever being free and hate myself for trying to be a “Christian”. I am a hypocrite. A liar, an adulterer, And I think Bi-Sexual. I know that people aren’t born Bi. But I am attracted to both males and females. My wife is a beautiful and loving mother. She is also pure and loves me. But I can’t keep my promises. I have lied to her because she knows about everything I have ever done. She knows everything. Everything I have ever done. That was a mistake. That is not wisdom. But like I said before I don’t know what to do. Am I angry at myself, yes? Do I hate the double life I lead yes? Do I hate myself yes? I could blame it on not having a father or mother growing up, or having a verbally mentally and emotionally abusive Grandmother my whole life whom I lived with, or even that at age 13 I was molested by a 24 year old man but, I didn’t try to stop him. Because, secretly I wanted the affection, for someone to tell me that “He thought I was special”. But I have found that none of those help me today. The truth is that I know what is wrong and right. I know what I should do, I just don’t do it. But, I have confessed to multiple people, accountability partners, and pastor’s told them everything hoping they could understand and help me find freedom from this HELL I live in. I don’t take myself seriously anymore I can’t pray, or even face God because I know that He is so disappointed in me. I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe anything I say anymore. It all feels like lies. My wife has threatened to leave me. She is just so dead inside. I have ripped her to shreds. I have broken her heart so many times. I can’t watch her be so numb and cold and unhappy. I not even sure that this confession will even do anything, but I can’t quit. I have tried to begin studies and never finish them because I tell myself that it no use I am still addicted and still lust and still am “having sex with myself” as my wife says. But, what truly sucks is that I want to do God’s will, my dream is to be a Christian Recording Artist, and I cannot see myself or anything in my life outside of my failures. I guess this a desperate attempt to be heard and find real freedom. Please Help I cannot continue to live this double life.