Hi guys, I hit a really big low this past week. I have been a addicted to porn for as long as remember. A friend first showed me my first images in grade school and I have been been fighting the chains of it since then. Always knowing it was wrong yet feeling trapped in a prison of shame and feelings of inadequacy. Throughout high school and college I had a handful of girlfriends but remained sexually inactive as pornography was an easy alternative. When I went to graduate school things started taking a turn. I fell in with the wrong crowd, felt like I was all "grown up" and could rely on myself. I turned the little voice inside my head off and did what I wanted which included partying, trips to Vegas, strippers and massage parlors. I thought that I could stop whenever I wanted. Little did I know. In 2006 I got married to a wonderful woman with a heart for Christ. I brought deceit and my old habits into our marriage. In 2007 I attended an emb workshop and through prayer and support and buckets of tears gave my wife and accountability partner full disclosure of everything. Things that had happened before and during our marriage. For awhile I felt God living in my heart and had hope for the future. But I began to slip slowly at first, and then faster and faster. Life got busy, stressful and then we added 2 children. Communication with my wife became hard, rare even. We slept in different rooms. My accountability partner and I fell out of touch. Church became a special occasion and now Sleep is non existent, sex is a rarity, and I feel lost and unworthy of Christ's love and my wife's due to my addiction. Last week I found myself online and connected with a stranger. We met up and chatted and she asked if i wanted to hang out. God was telling me to leave but I felt drawn in and unable to fight my desires. ...iam trying to recall everything but the tears are starting and the shaking hands make for difficult typing... she wanted to have sex right then and there...to be brief she started oral sex which i stopped. In a moment, clarity and reality came tumbling down and I felt the gates of hell open. I quickly left and sat in my car numb with panic. I left fast...what was I thinking. My defenses have been down for so long. I had lost touch with God. I called my accountability partner who I haven't spoken to in over a year. I confessed all, the amazing thing is that he had been wanting to call me but was afraid to because of his acting out. I have a battle plan back in place. Have finally had a long heart felt talk with my wife. Turns out she was afraid i would ridicule her about getting back to Christ. Decided to be a man and let God take charge of my life. I am sick of wanting what I want knowing it's doesn't even come close to what God has in store for me if I let Him take charge. I want my kids to grow up knowing that God is using me as their role model. I want to give my wife back peace in her heart and maybe it will happen down the road and I want to see my family reunited In heaven...in the "north east corner" as my wife says. This journey is so hard. Remorse and shame have become daily companions. But I believe that they don't have to be. Every once in awhile there is a glimmer of heaven in my daily life. Tears of joy and tears of sadness mix together and i can feel a cleansing in my soul and the weight being lifted from my shoulders. This is my confession and hopefully a bit of encouragement to those who have chosen to keep trudging on. When we are at our lowest God lifts us up...