My History: I grew up in a loving Christian family. I can't think of a single point in time when I was ever subjected to any type of abuse or any particular adult or authority figure who was a negative influence in my life. I went to church with my family, attended youth group and went on mission trips, and believed (as I do today) that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and that the only way to Heaven is through Him. With that said, I also had a darker side, right from the "virtual beginning," or the rise, of online pornography. You see, I had a neighbor and close friend who was a computer aficionado - supported by his dad who believed that as personal computers began to dominate the retail and commercial industry that his son would be positioned well for financial success, and who bought the first computers for him when they were just getting popular. Amiga computers, Apple computers, and PCs as they began to rise. As internet became available through dial-up modems, he introduced me to bulletin board websites and showed me how to download pornography through them. I became infatuated with the sexuality in porn, which at the time was simple pictures of nude women, and learned about masturbation at that time. As I became more adept at navigating these bulletin board websites, I also learned how to meet girls my age and older, and would spend hours chatting with them in often-successful attempts to talk sexually with them or convince them to masturbate while chatting or to do it over the phone with me. As the internet grew, so did access to wider arrays of pornography and more women to talk to. Faster modems, better pictures, "live" chatting (seeing as others typed to you...webcams didn't exist yet), etc. I learned to navigate these systems as they grew, feeding my already-established addiction to pornography and masturbation. Fast forward to college. Fraternity, girlfriend(s), sinful behavior... during the first couple of years of my college life I turned from God and lived in the ways of this sinful world. I lusted, I found pornography online whenever the opportunity presented itself, and I lived to drink and attempt to hook up with girls, with some education on the side. I didn't go to church. I began to smoke marijuana fairly frequently. My life was in a tailspin and upon self-reflection I was afraid of the direction I was headed. So I joined the Army. Then I told my parents. Lesson to anyone reading this: most, if not all, parents believe strongly that you should reverse the order of those two. But after learning of my decision and that I would be moving home to finish college after my training (I enlisted in the Reserves so that I could finish my degree and then decide what else to do) they seemed pleased that I was making responsible decisions. I went away to basic training and advanced training then moved home. When I got there, I transferred to the local college and moved in with a Christian friend who, like me, was raised by similarly Christian parents from the same church and attended the same youth group and attended a Christian school growing up -- but he was as weak as I was, and we were far from accountability partners. Then it happened - a wonderful girl I had known from years earlier, now my beautiful wife, called and came into my life. We fell in love, and we got married. But let me be extremely honest here. We fooled around sexually the first time we got to know each other in the years past without going "all the way." We had premarital sex when we dated seriously before getting married this time around, desipte my renewed commitment at the time of abstaining until marriage. And THEN we got married. Our honeymoon phase was cut short when I received orders to deploy to Iraq, which I did. The mighty US military machine was just establishing internet in Iraq thanks to Kuwaiti contractors eager to take advantage of the revenue, and I came in just in time to benefit from it - or not. Combat operations during the day still left time for pornography in the evenings, and now the internet was so much more advanced. I would spend time with my wife online, even sexually sometimes in what I believe was a healthy thing for married couples in this type of situation - but I would also spend time finding other women to chat with who were interested in showing skin, and when I couldn't find that I would just find a free porn website to peruse. Then I'd go to sleep and do it all over again. I came home from that deployment to personal challenges - death in my family, post traumatic stress from combat, etc. But I told no one, I shouldered it all, and life regained some sense of normalcy again. Then I deployed again. And the cycle repeated itself. Fast forward almost 10 years. I've been happily married to my beautiuful wife now going on 10 years. We have beautiful children and a happy family. I'm extremely involved in the life of my family and with my children... but the evil pornoraphy beast has never been far away. Although I look at it far less frequently (many times going several months without even thinking about it), it's still there. When I'm with family, it's easy to ignore the temptation - but when I'm alone, it rears its ugly head almost instantaneously and the temptation overcomes. I partake, and literally the SECOND that it's over I feel the familiar guilt and shame and I ask God for his forgiveness and for strength not to do it again. But this record seems broken - my life goes on, but my addiction returns to the familiar track almost like that of a chemical drug addict. Pornography has driven me to make decisions that I'll regret for the rest of my life. I'm broken, I'm ashamed. I feel like Adam standing naked before God trying to cover himself, knowing that he sinned against God...and in my case, against my wife and children as well. And I'm afraid - afraid to tell anyone, even an accontability partner, in fear that I'll be exposed as the sinful, selfish liar that I am; afraid that I'll lose my family, my kids, my parents and siblings; afraid that I'll lose my reputation; afraid that I'll be alone as a result. So, this is a confession. I confess to God and to anyone reading this that I am that sinful, selfish liar. I confess to not honoring my vows to God and to my wife. I confess to being addicted beyond that which I control on my own. Dear God, please give me the strength to kill the addiction to pornography, to masturbation, to the power and control that comes with sexual discussions with women online that has infested my very being. Enable me to shoulder your armor - the Armor of God - against Satan and his demons. Evict them from your temple within me and help me build walls and weapons against them through your Word and through a relationship with you that strengthens daily. God, make me a real man. Please forgive me of my sins in Jesus' name. Send your Holy Spirit to work in and through me. Thank you in advance, Father. -Ashamed