I am approaching my last semester of college at a prominent Evangelical Christian University. As a Biblical studies major approaching a life a ministry, I know my sexual integrity matters. I've worked hard to break free from the bondage groomed in my teens, but I still use pornography as my secret god, a place to run when things get tough. These past 5 weeks, pornographic images have destroyed me. Although most the images are ones replayed in my mind from my past, I ended up quitting a big time internship, largely because I felt like such a failure. After finishing training for this sales internship, I hit the field believing I was in for a summer of success. But when the going got tough and the days were more difficult than I anticipated, I returned to my headquarters while everyone else was working and opened up my computer seeking some comfort. I looked briefly at porn, masturbated alone in that hotel room, and fell backwards onto my bed feeling absolutely pathetic. Guilt and shame set in, and I wanted to kill myself. It gets even worse. That night, the guys who had been working hard all day came back to our hotel to relax for a bit. There were 3 of us and only 2 beds, so two of us had to share a bed. No big deal since they were each queen size beds. But as my co-worker slid under the sheets, his leg rubbed over the trail of semen left on the bed from my earlier mess I'd forgotten to clean up. He exclaimed, "What the hell is that?" My whole body froze in the dark. He knew I came back early and had a bad day. He knew I was the only one there. He knew that mess was my doing. We sat there in silence and he let me save face, saying, "You know what? I don't even what to know. This is a strange hotel." I began to breath again and we fell asleep, but my shame in that moment has not left. I have since quit that internship and come home feeling like a loser. I'm a good student studying a subject where I know God is calling me. I have recently began to date a wonderful Christian girl, someone who has a beautiful heart for Jesus. But I struggle in my mind to resist objectifying her in the same manner that objectify porn stars on my computer screen. Truly, sin does nothing but destroy. Yesterday, I looked at porn again, but this time under no stress, just because I felt the intense urge. I keep wanting to believe that my education and major and church involvement will keep me from old habits, but I am almost graduated, and they are still there, hiding in the shadows of my soul. This summer, instead of overcoming my fears in the internship of my dreams, instead of becoming the man I always wanted to be as I approach graduation, I'm finding myself seriously re-evaluating my sex addiction that I know is hiding underneath the floorboards. I want to have a fruitful ministry unhindered by pornography, to really love my future wife and not mix in the filth of pornographic images into a beautiful, monogamous relationship with her. Christ has done so much work in my life, and I have truly progressed beyond the man that I was 4 years ago. But I want to kill this sin, to experience triumph, and to my true Lord and Savior, not pornography, but Jesus Christ. May God do so in all our lives. Help me, Jesus: I need you. Amen.