"I have many days of despair. I discovered my husband dating online and watching terrible pornography over two years ago including pornography which sought to depict young girls appearing to be only 12 years old.
I made him leave and now he lives with another woman and her young daughter. Which everyday I pray for the young daughter.
I can find his dating website pictures right on Google just by typing in his porn name along with the word dating. I am 52 years old and have loved this man since I was 19.
Our children are devastated and two have been on medication. Two have gone to counseling and I have been on medication and in counseling. I have a deep faith in Jesus and I depend on Him daily.
We are currently going through a messy divorce and I am suing my husband for marital misconduct. It appears that I have won a large amount of money and support and attorney fees (my bill is over $30,000.00) and everything is in the process of being appealed by my husband. This is a no fault divorce law state by the way, but I had such overwhelming evidence at how my husband's adultery and pornography have negatively affected me that our judge was entirely sympathetic to me. And I already have a successful business. I do not need the $24,000.00 a year my husband has been ordered to pay me so I will just save it and donate it or use it for some good purpose.
I feel devastated. I do not believe in remarriage or dating until my husband is dead. That means I will be alone for the rest of my life which is better than being his wife, that is for certain. I am glad for the Biblical tenets as I understand them: there is no way I could ever be intimate with another man again after what my husband has done to me. I cannot even speak of it and have never told anyone. I cannot.
The pornography issue has divided my husband probably forever from our children and we have two small granddaughters. My children do not feel comfortable around their father now that all has been revealed and have promised my granddaughters will never be alone with him.
My heart is broken and there is not an hour that goes by that I do not think of our situation at least 12 times. I must confess that I will never recover, at least not on this earth. It will always follow me, the sorrow, and I have accepted that. I try to be of good cheer, and sometimes I am quite successful at hiding what I feel, which is complete and total and utter and endless devastation as a human being. It seems silly that pornography and adultery have so affected my well being, but that is the lie that our popular culture strives to promote. That none of this is actually that big of a deal. And for me, it has even stolen my future happiness I believe.
I am grateful for my faith and I am not sorry I have stood up for what is right and that it has cost me so much, and I would like to spend my hopefully short life left honouring my Saviour and being His servant always.
I am grateful I have no rage or anger or bitterness and I believe that is also a gift from my Saviour and while it is sorrow that plagues me, I can still go on from here.
Thank you for listening."---EK