I found out about my husband's 'hobby' shortly after we were married. I had gone to college in a different state, and we had waited a long time to get married. Finally, we were together, it was going to be OK - finally. We moved for his job to a different state where we did not know anyone. When I found it, I was in a state of horror and shock. Let's just say it was not something mild. But I could not tell anyone (I didn't know anyone, and did not feel comfortable telling anyone in my family, or his, or anyone long distance - such shame, and fear, and confusion.) When I asked him about it, he laughed it off. He was the gentlest, kindest man I'd ever met. I was totally in love. We were newlyweds. What could I do? So I stuffed in down tight and tried to pretend it didn't exist. Periodically, I would find something - and the shock, shame, horror, worry, fear, and dread would start all over again. But without anyone too confide in, no where to turn. No hope. Once I did some research through the yellow pages (when I learned about 'porn addiction' - but the guy I talked to was terrible, and not having any other resources, and being busy with work and kids, I gave up. Over the years, our sex life dwindled away to nothing - while he swore that was unrelated, he did love me, he did find me attractive (all so very unconvincing, but what could I do?) I had compartmentalized it - there was life, and then this horror that peeked up when I wasn't expecting it, and I would cry, plead, reason, explain, educate, scream, yell, use guilt, but to no avail. When my sons got older, I would check to make sure they were never where they should not be on the internet. Once, to my utter horror, I found something terrible - they swore they knew nothing. I was so shut down that it took months before I realized my husband was lying, that it was him. I believed him, so gullible, so trusting. So foolish. When my sons got older, I found porn on the computer that was definitely my son's doing. That's when it was finally clear to me that it was my duty to protect him, and I had failed. They had witnessed all their growing years their father sneaking away to be on the computer every possible minute. Minutes he didn't have to spare - while the house fell down around us in chaos, he was on the computer. When I was sick for years, and needed help, he only did the bare minimum - happy that I was unable to require more of him due to my extreme illness. Happy that I was asleep, or at least stuck in bed, so he could be with his true love - his sick addiction. But I never insisted. I did not even know I could. I pleaded with him that it was terrible for our sons to know this, that it was foolish to think they had never noticed the all night long at the computer several days a week, or stumbled across his stash items of photos that fell out here or there. Or maybe even seen the computer screen before he realized they were there. Oh God. I allowed it, because I hoped he would stop. I begged him to stop. When I found out there were meetings, I asked him to go. It wasn't until our 25th anniversary loomed, and I realized that I would not want to renew vows, or celebrate, did not even want to be with him, that I found the courage to go further. I went online, and saw what they had been looking at. That was my 'education' - that I never wanted to know. And I found a website for spoused of porn addicts - Thank God. Finally, I got help. I told him that if he did not get help, I would not want to stay together. And he did get help. He's in recovery now. There may be Hope for my marriage. Perhaps not sex, but the other parts of marriage - he is so damaged. But now I find horrible evidence that my son may be addicted. I did not protect him. He saw his role model acting out the life of a porn addict, he must have stumbled across photos, God only knows. I saw some drawings he made. It is not only my fault - it is his father's fault, it is the fault of our society that makes that easy to find. But I am his mother, so my failure is greater than anyone else's. And now, he is an adult. I don't know what I can do, or should do. I'm so sorry. I know now I should have faced it head on, and insisted. Likely, if I had, my husband would have gotten help sooner. My own fear and paralysis contributed to this horror. I can't really think of anything worse than this. I believe God will forgive me, but I don't know how I can forgive myself. I'm glad there is more help available now than there used to be. Lord knows we need it. I'm worried for my son. If you pray, please pray for him. Thank you for being here.