I am 14, and I am addicted to lesbian porn (kinda funny, since I am straight). I started around 8, when I would simply look up pictures on my moms computer when she was outside. I would only do it for a little, and then quickly go and delete the history. I did that for awhile, and then stopped for a long time, but a couple years ago I got back into it. Pictures turned into stories, which turned into videos. By this time, I was only saying I was a Christian so mom and dad wouldn't question me. I barely believed God was real, I would watch defiantly not good shows, and listen to bad music. I knew I was straying, but I didn't really care. Didn't try to stop. Didn't *want* to stop, because I didn't want to completely surrender to God. I didn't even start praying again until two months ago. I'm minorly depressed (I looked it up and what I'm going through matches the symptoms), and I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly fighting the addiction, I'm tired of hiding from mom and dad, I'm tired of constantly asking God to forgive me for it and then going and doing it again, I'm tired of, in the middle of the night, watching it and masturbating to it and then feeling so ashamed I try and convince myself it was just a sick nightmare, and I'm tired of constantly, almost all day, fighting the images that are now burned into my mind. I guess I've always felt awful after doing it, my moms reaction if she found out always making me feel guilty, but I soon got very very addicted to the temporary high that it always brought me, and now all I want to do is stop. I have tried praying, but that only works for so long. I have tried reading my Bible, but... its hard. I'm depressed, lonely, addicted to something that all I want is to get off of. Because I can see that its slowly ruining my life, this giant secret pulling me away from everyone else in my life. And I refuse to tell my parents. I'm not ready yet. It took enough effort to tell my brother and sister in law, and my best friend, let alone my parents and other brother. I try and talk to God every night, ask him for help, tell him how confused and lonely and awful I feel, but I often just feel like he isn't there. And I'm just really really really tired of all of this.
I'm partly writing this because my brother recommended it, and partly because I just want someone to know, someone who understands. And I'm hoping that maybe... maybe this will help me stop. Somehow, someway. I'm just tired and numb. I've even thought of cutting a few times, and if I had some sort of pocket knife in my room I probably would have awhile ago. And just as I started to get adjusted in my old home (even though I've been there most of my life), we go and we move to another state. And I like it here, but it just doesn't feel right to me. And mom and dad don't know, because I couldn't bare to tell them, because they are struggling getting adjusted too, and they like it so much here, and I just don't want to do that to them.
All I really want to do is lay in my bed and listen to music and write my books, and I'm tired of that too. I'm tired of fighting, but its almost the only thing I know how to do by now.