This is my story.
I'm a girl. Fifteen years old. So, a long time ago, I think I might of been 9-10 years old, I was home alone and decided to put in a movie. This movie was, "Bringing Down the House" with Queen Latifah and Steve Martin. Anyways, I was about a quarter way through, and all of a sudden Queen Latifah was showing Steve Martin how to get a girl in bed with him. She displayed a technique used in sex, although there was no nudity, or actual intercourse. I got curious, so I tried out the techniques. I tried masturbation.
For the past 7 years I have struggled with porn/masturbation. Yeah know, it all started out pretty innocent, no nudity or anything. But, all of a sudden I just started to get bored with no visual. So, I started looking at porn. From sex stories, to porn videos, photos, and movies. I even looked at one of my step-dad's friends "magazines". It just all started to snow ball. And I started to feel the worst feelings that you could possibly feel. REGRET. WORTHLESSNESS. SELF-HATRED. ANGER. LONELINESS...and those feelings just lead to more loneliness, and that lead to more porn.
Masturbating just gives you a few moments of satisfaction, but after that it's like, "What? Do I have like no self-control?" That really hurt me inside. I felt like I wasn't in control, and pornography was playing me like a puppet. It really messed me up mentally. My mind was so filthy, and porn was pretty much consuming my thoughts. I went to school thinking, "If only you guys knew who I really am. What I do when know one is watching." Just looking at everyone so normal made me feel like an outcast. Like I had no will, or integrity. I felt so worthless, and weak.
I have been Christian for as long as I can remember (I was practically born at the altar), and me being a girl I felt so dirty. Girls are suppose to want LOVE, and be PURE. Guys are only suppose to be into this stuff, right? WRONG. Oh, how wrong I was. I stayed out of church for a while, and that really didn't make my life any better. Infact, it made it worse. I was looking at porn more than ever, and I just felt so angry, and out of control. So, after a long time I started going again. I brought one of my friends, so I wouldn't totally be alone, and it turned out that church really helped me. I felt loved. I didn't feel like I was getting talked down to. My youth pastors weren't afraid to talk about sex, or porn, or lustful things. And I really think that made all the difference. They showed me that this stuff was ruining my mind, and my life. And they did this in a way that made me WANT to quit. My life is so much better now, and I practically live at church, and I have made so many friends there.
I have been porn/masturbation free for awhile now, and I plan on keeping my mind free of any filthness. My birthday is coming up, and I have decided to ask for a purity ring. For me, this not only symbolizes my promise to not having sex until marriage, but it also means keeping my mind pure. My thoughts, my actions, how I dress, what jokes I laugh at. All of that.
I know God has forgiven me, and if you are in a addiction with porn, STOP. Right now, just stop. I want you to pray, and keep praying for God to make you stronger, because he will. It also helps to have support. xxxChurch is a great support website, and I am very glad I found it, because it has made me realize that there are other people out there that are going through the exact same thing, and there is always help.
Please pray that I will stay pure!
God Bless,
A completely changed, and forgiven person.