It's funny because I've written a confession detailing my life leading up to my addiction, and my "overcoming" it. Then I did it again. And again. And again. I just did it a few minutes ago. And the worst part is, i feel no remorse. Yeah when i see the video i think "that's gross, why would she do that" but in the moment my mind learned to turn it all off. To focus on the pleasure i so seek, like Alice in the rabbit hole. But this hole doesn't lead to a "Wonderland", like it claims. I'm drained. My actions have even caused me to feel indifferent about God. I know He exists, but i don't pay any mind. And it's a curious thing, this re-institution. I don't feel the nag to need to do the deed, or even so a want, it's become more a mindless habit. I had just "given it all" to God a few weeks ago, but i knew i didn't really mean it. Could i really be addicted, and am just naively dismissing it? All i want is the vigor back in my life. I don't want to live a bland, live just being lived. I want to truly live again. I want it gone now.