My name is Adam, I'm 17 years old, and I've been battling porn since 7th grade. Grew up in a home schooled and somewhat controlled environment, (somewhat controlled in the sense that it felt normal, but my father was very controlling and wouldn't let us do a lot outside of the home). He would never make an attempt to reach out to us growing up, at least not wanting to do something we were interested in, if we wanted to be with him, it was doing something he wanted to do; which isn't the right mentality to be teaching a kid growing up. I was never allowed to be a kid into kid things. If I wanted to be with him, I had to be 'the bigger kid,' and do the things he wanted to do. Grew up in a Christian environment, both of my parents were Christians growing up, so therefore we were. I really reached out to God around 9 because I felt an emptiness inside of me, which I felt needed to come from my father, and I wasn't getting what I needed. My faith back then was the strongest it's ever been. I had a clear understanding at that age of who God was, is, and will be. I understood that we may never fully understand why the things happen in our life, because we on earth have a limited knowledge and understanding of the things that makes the world turn. With my increase in faith, I realized that I would pray and ask God for something, and he would deliver. So one night, I asked God to give me a dream of my future. I saw my wife, and my two kids, and I had a glimpse of my wedding. Hear me out, I know that sounds absurd, but I woke feeling God reaching out to me, something I never got from my Dad, and it's what I needed the most. The next night, I went to bed, and had a dream of the future again, but this time, it involved my family and I. Growing up, I played a lot of Video Games. It involved my daily routine. My Mom would force us to do chores and stuff before, but for the most part; gaming is what I enjoyed the most. I had a game-based dream though, where my family and I were in a video game I used to play. My Mom, Dad, two sisters, and my unborn brother. (My mom wasn't even pregnant at the time). We all reached a point where we had to jump over a deep gap, couldn't see the bottom, we all managed to make it across, but my Dad fell. I awoke from the dream crying and asking God what it meant, but I knew what it meant without the exact meaning. I understood it meant the separation between my Dad and us, but I didn't know exactly how it would pan out. Few years later, my Mom woke up around 4:00 in the morning, to find my Dad was out of his bed, and he was on the computer viewing porn. She sheltered us from it, because we were young. I would have been 10-11 at that time. My Mom was pregnant with my little brother, (the one from my dream), and we left to California to visit my family for a while, and there we found out what had happened. I felt broken. I felt like everything I tried to grab onto growing up, had just left my grasp and it was no longer there. I was angry, at life, and God for it to happen. The next few months intensified, as my Dad got more angry, and more controlling, so on my little brothers first birthday, we left in secret by the aid of my Mom's family, to California, where we would start the healing process, in hopes that our Dad would move away with us to heal. Jr. High came shortly after everything had happened, and I was angry with the circumstances of my life, and for the first time ever, I viewed porn as a means of coping with life. After viewing it, I always felt the same; hopeless, angry, and saddened that I rely on something of this earth to fill up the pain I had felt. Few years passed, High School came, and my parents decided reconciliation was impossible, so they filed for a divorce. At that point, I threw in the towel academically, and emotionally, and I didn't care anymore. That was my closest year ever to suicide. I had a rough few more years, and found God through it all realizing I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the dream God gave me as warning for the things to come. It would have been too hard, and I would have let go. I wouldn't be here writing to you all, if it weren't for God's mercy and understanding. Like I said from the start, I'm 17, graduated High School on time, despite getting all F's freshman year, and had left myself with nothing but math, and I got all A's and B's. I still struggle with porn on a regular basis, and I want it to stop. I have the free x3 on my computer, and haven't been struggling with it there, but using my graduation money, I bought a Kindle Fire, and x3 isn't compatible. I'm contemplating getting rid of my fire, and getting an iPad or iPod touch instead because x3 works on it. I mainly want my addiction to porn to end because I'm wanting to go into Ministry full-time, and it can't be a part of who I am. Through Jesus, I am not condemned to hell, there is salvation through Christ Jesus. It will always be a part of my past though, and through it I might have the potential to reach others in my Ministry / Mission trip future. I don't know if I'm at the right place, new to xxxchurch.com for the most part. I just wanted to get it off my chest, thanks for reading.