It all started in 7th Grade. I was at that phase where boys become "hot" and not "cute". I was at the point were I was becoming conscious of my chest and not my relationship with God . And as I write this, I realize how damaging those videos are. I was curious about...you know...."it". I'm still uncomfortable saying, writing or typing it because it hurts. Sex. I mean, I have strict Catholic parents so who is going to give me the sex talk my friends talked about? I didn't understand anything about it, which was GREAT. All I knew was that God hated it and it was bad. I didn't know about condoms, birth control, or abortions, all things that I am so uncomfortable with. Even when we had sex education, my parents didn't let me go because of the material shown on the permission form. So, I made a powerpoint about eating disorders, which was actually fun. I mean, who wants to label the parts of a boy's private? Even so, I was curious. But the horrifying things I watched in 7th and 8th Grade scarred me. I started swearing and using sexual language to impress my peers. To stop the hurting. ( I was bullied a lot because I went to a public school and the atheist kids didn't like me, so i was bullied for being Christian). I started obssessing over boys, and sizing up my chest size with other girls. All things that my old self DIDN'T do and REFUSED to do. I didn't want to acknowledge that God was asking me to stop, commanding me to stop, but i refused. I continued watching porn that ruined my innocence day by day. It all started with listening to my small mp3 at night in 5th Grade to watching porn on my iPod in 7th. Being the youngest in my grade didn't help either. I learned all the sex slangs and swear words. Now, as I look back, God was calling me, but I WAS the Prodigal Son . I was walking away form him, thinking I was a winner when I was losing everything. I watched the lesbian porn videos because I was more comfortable with girl body parts than boys body parts, I mean, I had one, didn't I? But at first, I didn't even watch the porn. I started with makeout tutorial and makeout scenes in movies seen on YouTube. Then, I escalated to SIMS sex scenes. Then I went on to sex scenes in YouTube, without anything. I slowly learned that with Google, I could type in porn and access many websites that were free. I started into a vicious cycle that took me a year to realize that I was as bad as those who had premarital sex. I would never have sex in my point of view but when I hit 13, I was still watching and I stopped and thought, "If I'm filling my mind with all these terrible, sinful things, surely, isn't that as bad as doing it? Won't it cause my heart to want to do it?" I stopped. I went to Confession. However, I am still recovering from a terrible thing that almost started to control my life. Because I was losing sleep, I developed migraines and extreme exhaustion. I started being depressed, and I wrote suicidal poems. But, today, at 13, I am still getting better. Though once in while I reach that point were one of those horrific images appears in my mind, I am trying to get better. I don't want to go to a counselor and I don't want my parents to find out. But I'm glad I am getting better. And I finally got it off my chest. I wanted to create a blog, but I thought that was unnecessary. Done. Now, even pop music about sex life irritates me, because even though i haven't lived it, it still kills me. I'm also trying to stop swearing and I pray daily, and read my Bible. And I know that I am not alone. God helped me on this journey and I overcome and continue. I have refused porn many times now. I am really proud of God's work in my life :) I thank him daily. Many times, porn has popped up in a Google search and I haven't watched. I pray for God to take away the temptation. I have only gone back once, and I didn't watch a video, it was only a sex blog, with the language and description, and I stopped myself from watching and prayed. I am still haunted to this day. Porn is horrific. It drains you, takes you away from all that makes you a child of God. But I stand strong. God makes me strong.