Its 2:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. I am crying. Weezer is playing in the background and my little brother is asleep on the bed behind me. My name is Andrew and I am 19.
Were to start? I do not know or understand why this is being written. All I know is that its time to get out of my sexual addictions.
I first say my first image of porn when I was in the sixth grade and the image is burned into my mind. I hate it with a passion. There has not been a break of more than 3 weeks with porn or masturbation since then and the 3 weeks just ended tonight. The only reason I was clean for 3 weeks is because I sexually used my girlfriend, my best friend. We started making out and that was it. But soon things escalated to other things. It culminated with an event in Big Bear, CA were in a turnout half-way down the mountain we imitated sex to climax. The problem lies in the fact that we felt no guilt, i would it took me explaining to her that what we did was wrong. Another thing, for a week afterwards we went to parking lot after parking lot trying for the same feeling, and were met with failure. And before the incident we talked of having sex and how we would get that far. If we would have the money we would have rented a hotel. My sexual addiction caused me to abuse a person I love so dearly and who cares for me the same.
As for the suicide, I have an addiction to cutting. I taught myself how to numb the pain and to cut deep. It felt honestly like an orgasm from watching porn but, it lasted longer. Sometimes, I become so angry at my addictions i cut more intensely. I have tried 3 times to end my life, twice it was to rid myself of a numb feeling and of porn. I remember filling a cup with blood and pouring it on a print out from a website. I wrote how I hated the feelings on the wall with the warm substance. I lost enough blood to die that day. The next time I attempted was in my church parking lot. My best friend and college pastor were there. I told my best friend how I hated being addicted to all my feeling and then i turned around and cut a four inch cut about 3/4 inches deep into my forearm. I almost severed the tendons to my hand and the artery in my arm. All because I wanted out of all the pain I felt and I wanted out of porn. I am alive for a reason and I will battle my sexual addictions I just need help.
If anything I have learned that sex is one of the most powerful urges that I feel and it is one that I honestly need help to control. My accountability people know and are helping my cope with it but it is the grace of God I stand today and can fight.