I don't even know when it started. Years ago. I was abused as a young kid. It went on for a few months and it didn't seem wrong to me at the time; It felt like I was providing him a service or something. Messed up right? Ever since then I've been fascinated by the male body. Btw I'm a guy..so there's that. The fact that my father is practically a nudist didn't help either. Completely non sexual nudity of course but it just fanned the flame.. Pun not entirely intended. I'm thinking 10 or 11 is when I starloops earning for pics of shirtless guys and stuff like that, honestly I was too young to even think of going farther. Slowly it grew to sort of artsy nude guys, then to erotic photos, then finally to gay porn. It seemed normal. It felt ok but in the pit of my stomach I knew it was disgusting. This is where it gets tricky. I'm 17 now and it's still going on. It's almost a daily thing now, multiple times a day sometimes. It has perverted my idea of women: To me they arent as attractive as men. I know homosexuality is a sin and I know sins are forgiven but this feels incurable. When I go back to that stuff, yes, it satisfies for however short a time but after, I spiral into what can only be described as self loathing as I sit or lay there covered in my own bad decision. I have pleaded with God for the ability to leave this but it's predictable how i come crawling back, dragging the half of me that doesnt want to. It terrifies me to think this is all. This is what will go on forever because I can't be helped. I want to be normal, to like girls, to be the Christian man God wants me to be. So why me? Why all this? It can't be this difficult.