"All my life I was taught to just not even consider sexual feelings. My mother never explained what sexual urges were or that feelings other than crushes could develop so quickly or naturally. However, I never had to worry about it, because until I hit 21, I didn't have any. I didn't have crushes, I kinda knew what porn was, but no real understanding. Heck, I didn't even know how sex really worked until I was 17-18 years old.
In the fall of my 21st year (I'm 22 now) I had my first kiss. It was completely innocent. My best friend (him) and I kissed a few times after before agreeing it'd be best to wait until we got engaged.
However, we still kissed each other's cheeks, hands, and faces. We stayed away from the neck, and really anywhere else.
He asked my parents (we go to school out of state) if he could date me. Dating is very strict in my house (and I've seen the emotional damage it's caused on my sisters and their relationships) but I hoped they would see the kindness in his heart.
They didn't say yes. They also didn't say no. They left us dangling midair with feelings.
We tried to just be friends, I swear we tried. But he is my best friend, and we were emotionally very very close. We decided to admit to each other that we were each others, well, significant other. We weren't trying to be deceptive. We just wanted a label for our feelings.
And feelings there came. I hadn't had any sexual feelings until the summer of 2012 when I was emotionally abused and sexually harassed by a stranger. I began to masturbate, although oddly, even then I didn't have sexual thoughts. It was all mechanics to me.
After that first kiss (months after) I discovered that I have a naturally super high libido and a latent aggressive sensuousness. I had no idea I was capable of that. I started to get wet at the sound of his voice. I didn't even know what that meant. But twice, after just sitting and talking about NORMAL stuff on the couch, I'd stand up to see that I'd soaked through my underwear and dress.
I'm ashamed to say that we've french kissed each other's cheeks and that, once I put my finger in his mouth, he did the same to me.
I'm trying to find a balance, but my body is literally aching with this new found sexuality (though I didn't encourage it). Even now that we are apart and willfully denying ourselves these feelings."---Vivian