I grew up in the church. I love the Lord very dearly and want to be holy, and that is why the situation I'm in paines me so much, because I can'te help the feeling that, despited my efforts to excercise self control, I continue to dissappoint Him. I started masterbating when I was about six years old, not knowing what it was. Being a conservative Christian commited to abstinence till marriage, I have kept my curiosities about sex extremely discreet. In recent years, however, my curiosities have grown more and more extreme. I started watching Youtube videos of movie clips. When I saw those videos, I liked the way they made me feel at that moment, but as soon as I left my computer, I wanted more. I began to worry about how I might be a dissappointment to my future husbund because I might do it right. So, I found myself looking up photos of sex positions, telling myself that as long as there were no real people in them it was okay. However, the initial facination of those imiges faded, and I decited to look up moving pictures to get a better idea of what was going on. I felt guitly, but tried to remind myself of my initial comfort in the fact that they were not real people. Still, I began to feel like I was loosing myself. I didn't (and don't) want anyone to know because I had developed a reputation for innocent and ignorant. However, I found myself continually alarmed by my enexpected points of sexual arrousal. I would try masterbating to make it go away, but it wasn't enought. So I got back on my computer, looking for something to help me experience more pleasure. The videos I was viewing and have been viewing since have now begun to feture real people. I began watching only part of the videos; just enought to give me a shock to I could masterbate and move on. But, again, that wasn't enough. I've since found myself seeking out more and more explicit imiges. Each time I watch them I feel sick and filthy, because the portrayals of sexual activity look so ugly and devoid of any other significance than objecifying others for one's own pleasure. I told myself and God that I would stop, but I own carnal desires continue to get the best of me. Sometimes they become so intense that I can barely stand it. Sometimes I am able to resist through prayer, but it often takes hours for the lust for sexual pleasure so subside. But, lately, more often than not, I find the hunger to great to bare. I want something more than this. I want a meaningfulll and perminent relationship with another commited Christian, but I am affraid that I have now damaged, possibly perminently, my chances of being content with one partener for life, or even to arroused by someone I love, without imagining those images, which are now so strongly fused into my conciousness. I fear I will not be able to view my future spouse in any other way than as a superficial and temporary pleasure. If anyone is reading this, please pray for me.