I have no idea how this began. I was hardly 8 years old when I discovered myself late at night in my room, all alone. It was an accident that continues for 12 years. If only I could go back and not do it. Something is wrong with me. Why am I like this? At age 8, it began. Ever since then I have been very aware of everything sexual, far more than anyone else should be, especially at my age. I know more free online pornography sites than most raging hormonal teenage boys. I'm straight, but online I view anything and everything. I hate it but I watch with my guilty eyes anyways. Age 14, I lost my virginity to the "wrong" boy. He told me he loved me, I didn't want to really have sex until marriage but he insisted over and over and over and the pressure was too much. I shouldn't have. I regret it. Father, please forgive me. At age 19, I was ironically sexually assulted. I know what you're thinking, how can a sex monster not want sex? Well, you just have to believe me. I never knew him, except that he was a big nasty scary monster man who took what innocence I could have possibly had left. The worst part, I got pregnant. Shaking my head in shame of who I already had secretly become and now this. Now 20, I'm still secretly addicted. It's worse now because I was raped and "seeded" with a beautiful baby girl that I can't bring myself to keep no matter how much I've grown to love her so. (adoption to christian family that can't have kids by the way) I don't want this to ruin my future marriage. I'm a Christian, but how? I speak in tongues and attend often but I just don't deserve His grace. I feel filthy and wrong. I can't stand myself but I do it anyways. It's like my personal meth. I think I need it and I crave it's nasty fix. I'm sufficating myself. I NEED help but I don't wanna ask again and fail like all the other times. I just can't shake this, I need help... I'm addicted.