I've never really discussed this with anyone. My earliest memory of an orgasm is when I was in pre-school, at around the same age as an older kid from church was inappropriately touching my friend and I. It disturbs me greatly to think about the psychological effects this must have had on us at such a young age. This continued for a while, though the details and times are sketchy. Since then, I have struggled for 20 years with masturbation. Throughout primary and high school I got more into it, though I always felt guilty and ashamed because by then I knew it wasn't right. Then I discovered porn in late high school. For the past 4 years especially I have really struggled with porn and masturbation. It's not a daily struggle but it is the kind where when I'm feeling low, stressed or lonely I'm most likely to turn to it for comfort. I feel this often enough because at the age of 25 I've never had a boyfriend and feel the constant pressure that I'm getting older and that no one will ever love me that way or want me. Despite the need to feel loved and good about myself, porn never completely satisfies. There's always a desire to find something more risky but ultimately that never satisfies either and the flood of guilt and shame comes rushing over me. On the outside everything looks not so bad. I'm actively involved in my church and I study theology. I dont go out of my way to appear perfect, because im not but I do bury this secret deep and choose not to deal with it. Internally, I recognise that everything is not okay. I still seek to live my life as God's child, redeemed by Jesus and knowing that He died for all my sin But I don't always feel saved because I think that habitual sexual sin has a real hold on me and this is dangerous territory, which it is! I've heard people say that the only way to break sin is to understand more indepth how great and wonderful the Lord is and in turning to him and worshipping him, we will turn from our sin. This is my prayer for myself and any others who are like me. I would be interested to start some accountability with others.