I know truth. I know that I am saved and that in the Lords eyes I am pure because of Christ. I am forgiven. I love the Lord. Right? But, how can I still choose to dwell on sexual thoughts, read erotica, look at porn, and masturbate? I've got such a neat story of how the Lord helped me to come out from my shame and secrecy about this and share with other women what He has done in my life, and that they're not alone in their sin. One of the greatest lies that I believed was that no other girls masturbated and that I was alone. And the shame of that kept me quiet because I believed that if someone found out about who I really was that they would want nothing to do with me. Eventually though I was so tired of it. So tired of letting the Lord have every other area of my life except this. I was tired of fighting Him and trusting Him with my life. I honestly thought that saying "I'm done. You can do what you want with me." meant that my life would be turned upside down. That I would be kicked out of my college ministry leadership position, that my friends would want nothing to do with me, and that I would be miserable. But, I realized that I wanted the Lord more than anything in this life. And it was so amazing to trust Him and see Him work. The first person I told had the complete opposite reaction than what I thought would happen. She poured out love to me from the Lord. I really started crying when she told me of a friend of ours that also deals with it and that I wasnt alone. And then I shared my story a few days later with about 50 other women and by doing that, gave others the courage to approach me later and tell me that they too struggle with this. Ladies, we are not alone in this struggle! That was all about a year ago. I think I expected that once I told and was honest, then this would all stop. And I realize that it is a habit that I need to break. That my thought pattern needs to change, and that all of that cannot be done overnight. But, I wish it would! Oh He is teaching me for sure by not taking it immediately away. And I know He can, but I also know that He allows us to go through things to draw us closer to himself. So, if you're reading this, please pray that I would daily turn to Him and run after Him. That if I do mess up, that I wouldn't let that define me, but that I would accept His forgiveness and learn from my mistakes. Pray that my thoughts would be pure and on Him, and that I would desire to know Him and glorify Him with my actions and all that I do. Haha sorry I rambled on a bit, but I'm thankful that I am not alone. I am thankful that He is with me and fighting for me, even when I'm not.