I started "exploring" when I was about 12. I didn't think anything of it, school said it was normal for girls my age to explore their bodies. Eventually i figured out that what I was exploring could cause pleasure as well. I tried it, and liked it, and then kept on wanting it. I'm not so sure that I thought it was okay, but I didn't really know what I was doing so I didn't think it could be bad. It wasn't till I was about fifteen that I found out that what I was doing was called masturbation and it was bad. It was self-gratification when we should be getting our gratification from God. But I had already turned a harmless little thing into a habit. I tried to stop. And I could go for a long time without doing it. But eventually I would do it again.
I'm twenty now, and I still struggle with it everyday. It grew from just masturbating to looking at porn as well. I needed gas to fuel the fire. So now, I struggle with this addiction and habit everyday. I only came to this site because I did it tonight. I tried having an accountability partner, but then I moved away for school. And I didn't trust/know anyone enough to let them hold me accountable. To know my secret. Now I'm getting ready to move again and I'm desperate for help. I don't want this habit to control my life.
Yet I pose a question, a question that plagues me all the time. If we know that what we are doing is wrong, yet we do it anyways, does God still forgive us? We know that are actions are sinful, yet we do them anyway knowing that God will forgive us because he said he would. Isn't that taking advantage of a free gift? Is that wrong? Will that lead to falling from grace? Can you fall from grace?