I guess that's a pretty pathetic title...there must be so many women crying out with that...one of the reasons I want to heal so much is to help them with the pain I've been in. To use it rather than submit to it. I am the daughter of a child molestor, even though it was small. He was also a reverend. I thought it was normal until a load of stuff happened last year and people found out and then I found out it wasn't. However, I never was sexually motivated, and during rows that went on with my parents and when my brother became physically abusive to my family due to brain damage from uncontrolled epilepsy, I withdrew entirely to my computer. I was a fairly happy girl, I helped people, I belonged to a military youth organisation. But at home, I honestly, unintentionally was lead onto a site that within three days, I had guys from age 60 down chatting me up. It went from there to them trying to talk me on cam. I never completely went to stripping on cam, but it was very close but God pulled me up short. Then I started to pull out of my backslide. This is a very concise history, so sorry if it sounds funny. There were two guys I trusted completely...one was a good guy. He's still one of my closest friends now, and helped and cared for me unconditionally at a time when I needed it most of all. The other one...tried to help...but totally the wrong way. He translated what the guys were saying to me, and decided I needed sex education by teaching me to masturbate - a habit I have unsuccessfully tried to break since (I do go long spells which I break it in, but I have other physical problems that mean I do usually go back to it every few months). Last year when my life turned upside down...I ended up chatting with another lonely guy. We ended up having cybersex together, for me to forget the massive problems and massive mess I was in. God was still working in my life and drawing me out of my backslide, but I recognised what it was doing and after five attempts, I broke away from the guy. We still chatted from time to time, but we kept going back near it and eventually I blocked him permanently. I guess some wounds will never heal. Then about a month ago, I ended up giving myself to another guy who I couldn't help because he couldn't get over his lust for me. I did it in the hope he'd stop wanting me over his girlfriend...and it has...but...it sent me over the edge. Within two days, the guy who originally taught me to masturbate came back on the scene for the first time in a year, and I told him what had happened since I still trusted him...consequently, he said he'd be interested in doing the same. Feeling like rubbish, I agreed. And let him three times since. I sent them both an email since, and told them to back off. The other guy has, since...he's a weak good guy. But the first one hasn't. And he keeps..teasing...and then backing off...and it's...really...hurting. And also...he's telling me how bad I am compared to the last girl. Now, the worst problem is that the only thing holding me back is the Lord's commands. I don't value myself at all to stop me doing it. And I don't believe any guy could love me in a marriage way. The Lord is stopping me though. I want Him so much more than anything and I recognise that going to sex to heal pain is idolatry. But I don't know how to stop the feeling of worthlessness that comes over when he starts "teasing" at me. I know I'm probably the only person he trusts with some things, and this is why I won't leave even though I've been told to. Please, someone, help me.