See, we met on a mission trip to Costa Rica. We loved God from the beginning of our relationship. He lives in Canada and I live in South Carolina. We knew it would be hard but we trusted God that He would get us through this and keep us together.
I had broken off a 2 year relationship earlier that year, partially because of my boyfriend at the time's addiction to pornography. This was not my first time being hurt by pornography before. Every boyfriend I ever had struggled with it.
This is why from the beginning of our relationship I told him to be honest with me and tell me if he had struggled or was struggling with pornography. He told me no and I believed him. He promised he would never hurt me like that.
We've been together for 8 months. In April, before he came to visit me in South Carolina, I again asked him if he was struggling with anything. I asked him if he ever struggled with pornography (knowing about xxxchurch.com.) I knew it was a huge struggle for guys and if he did have a problem with it I wanted to get him help. He said he would never want to look at "trashy girls" like that and I believed him.
Well while he was down, we were looking for movies under google and I found some questionable searches on his laptop. I asked him what it was all about. He promised me it was something he accidentally stumbled upon and had trouble looking away. I asked him if there was anything else he should tell me and to PLEASE not lie again. He looked me so deeply and lovingly in the eyes and said, "That's it." I chose to forgive him, because I thought he was telling me the truth.
Mid-June I was up in Canada visiting with his family and I found multiple searches on google, by accident, on their home computer. He doesn't have any siblings so I knew it was his. I pulled him into the room and asked him what it was all about. He said, "That's old stuff! I looked at that back when I looked at the other stuff." So then I knew he lied to me when he said the first time that there was nothing else.
He said he was so sorry and I told him he needed to tell me if there was anything else he was keeping from me. He said, "No, it was just that one time thing. That one day. That's it." So as hard as it was to accept that he had already lied to me twice about it, I knew that love keeps no record of wrongs. I chose to forgive him.
Later on in June, I discovered, through his mom (again, "accidentally." funny how God always finds a way to expose your lies) that the last time he looked at it was 5 days before we were with each other. I was crushed. He had again lied to me. I approached him about it, told him I knew the truth and that he had looked at it after that. He had now lied to me three times about pornography and made me believe deep in my heart that he was telling the truth.
That night was when it all came out. He had looked at pornography the whole time we were together. We went to a youth pastor and talked to him. He prayed with us and I felt like maybe I could move on. But since I've gotten home, I just can't stop thinking about it. Why am I never enough? Why does every guy I'm ever with do this to me? I'm a good looking girl. I'm in shape. I try to be the best girlfriend I can be. Where do I go wrong?
I can't stop picturing him sitting there in front of his computer getting off looking at and thinking about other girls. I can't stop thinking about the fact that the same eyes that have looked at me with such love and compassion are the eyes that have looked at so many other girls with lust. As much as I pray and as hard as I try to move on and just love him, I think I'm ready to end it.
But see, now it's hard. I am going to college in Canada, close to where he lives. I'm leaving my family and friends and it's not because of him. God gave me a calling for school there. But he is the only one I really know up there. Besides that, I'm so afraid, and he even wrote an email to Craig Gross saying he was going to kill himself because I almost broke up with him last night.
I don't want to be with him anymore because I can't handle the thought that he will always struggle and that he is a liar. How do I know he won't keep lying to me? He got X3 watch and it sends me emails but there are ways around it. You can just go to google and look at the images or download a video from limewire, no?
The thing is, porn destroys everything. It has affected me in the worst of ways, without ever looking at it. Not only now, have I lost my love for my boyfriend who I was almost ready to marry, but I am so insecure about myself. Every day since I found out he was looking at porn, I wake up and look at myself in the mirror. Thoughts running through my head like, "I should tone up. Maybe if I had bigger boobs or flatter abs he wouldn't have wanted to look at them."
I know that's not the reality of it. I know that he loves me the way I am, but why? Why would he do this to me? How can I move on? How can I love him the way I used to? And if I choose not to, how can I break up with him when he is threatening, or making suggestions that he is going to kill himself. If I was the cause of his suicide, I could never forgive myself.
The porn stars don't realize what they're doing. Or maybe they do, and they just don't care. They are destroying relationships all over the world every single day. Not only are they destroying other people, but they're destroying themselves. It's dirty business. And access to porn is way too easy. You don't even have to click yes or no stating that you're 18 anymore to see a naked individual.
I'll be looking for hairstyles on the internet and something will come up. I can scroll right past it, but for somebody who struggles, that may catch their attention and they won't be able to look away.
Aside from that, what do I do? Do I live a lie and stay with him so that he won't kill himself? Should I forgive him even after he's lied to me over and over again? I need somebody to help me. I need prayer. I need to feel like I'm worth something. I suppose nowadays girls can only find their true worth in God. But what do I do about him?