I am a 23 year old graduate student at a Christian University. I was raised in a very strict home and my family went to church every time the doors were open. I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior through baptism when I was 13, and have tried to walk faithfully ever since but can't stop making the same mistakes. God has blessed me with a large capacity to love others and I want so badly to use that as He intended and to follow Him but I know as long as porn is a part of my life I will never be who I was made to be. I was sexually abused by my brother when I was about 6 years old, but didn't know about it until I was 20. I have struggled with masturbation for as long as I can remember, but the porn didn't enter the picture until I was in high school. I probably only looked at it a handful of times before college, but in the past year it has become a full-fledge addiction. I made a friend two years ago, and by the grace of God, after about a year of knowing her, we were able to trust each other enough to confess that we have both struggled with masturbation and porn. At first it was so freeing to have someone that I could talk about it with and we did a really great job of holding each other accountable, but satan took the beautiful work of God in our friendship and turned it into a very unhealthy and very sexual relationship. I have been going to counseling on and off ever since I first learned about the abuse from my brother, but was never brave enough to tell my counselor about this struggle. I have one more friend who I have been able to tell and that has been good, but I am still struggling so much. I hate the person I have become through all of this, so apathetic and numb to the sin in my life. I love Jesus so much and truly want to live my life for Him but this seems to be an impossible barrier. This summer was really transforming for me spiritually, and I only looked at porn once in 2 months, so I was really excited when I got back home afterwards because I felt God's presence for the first time in years. But it only took 3 days for me to fall into the trap of porn again. I know that God can redeem my story and my wash away my sins, but I don't know how to stop engaging in this horrible habit. I know I need more accountability, but thinking about talking to anyone else about this scares me so badly. I don't want people to think that I am freak or decide not to be my friend anymore if I tell them. I am scared about where this is leading and I don't want it to ruin my life but I am out of ideas on how to stop it and I don't have enough money to go to the counseling that I probably need or to even pay for x3watch every month. I call myself a Christian and am really involved at my church, and I also try to be really encouraging spiritually for the people in my life. Yet beneath it all I am hiding this horrible secret and addiction. If the people in my life knew the things I have seen and watched they would be absolutely shocked and disgusted. I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world.