I’m in agony. Every time I fall because of my addiction, it gets harder and harder to get back up. I've set all the security on my commuter, and I have good friends with good moral values, and I go to church every Sunday. Just when I think I can breathe and can finally be happy, I remember him again, the one who had violated my trust, who tricked me, telling me that I was a daughter of God and I was so beautiful and pure. I liked him and, I thought he liked me and I trusted him when he said he would never hurt me. But that one night he changed. He only thought of himself, telling me he was helping me "understand." Throwing all those once beautiful words in my face... touching me and lying to me, making me touch him...and I let him, because I thought he liked me, I thought he was helping me. But it was all a lie. That was almost two years ago. Now I have an addiction to pornography and masturbation. After he abandoned me, leaving me with only pain and confusion, I sought help from the only place I thought could help me understand what had happened to me and wouldn't laugh or be ashamed of me... the internet. My mind is a giant garbage can I have filled to the brim with the worst that Internet porn has to offer. I always feel disgusting, and ashamed, because I know my body still remembers what he did to me, and it wants more. I DON'T WANT IT! I'm tired of fighting and remembering. He's gone with his happy family of wife and baby, and I'm trapped in this prison I created. I want to be free and finally feel the happiness I once had. I want to find that piece of my heart that he tossed to the side, leaving my soul crying with no one to hear it. No man would want someone like me. I need to make my nightmares disappear, and free my body from the filthy disgusting images and the masturbation it thinks it needs to feel better. I don't want this life anymore... I’m not used to talking about what happened to me, and I’m sorry if I sound angry. I simply wish for the people who read this to know, Pornography is addictive and damaging and masturbation hurts more that relieves. That just because it’s not sex, doesn’t mean it won’t damage your spirit, because it will. And when you are told by someone you like/love to do something you know to be wrong, say no, and if they like/love you back they will respect you enough to stop. I know that that is the kind of person I look for now. Someone who loves me enough to take it slow, and will forgive me, and help me forgive myself.