Without sounding too cocky, I always thought of myself as the model christian, went to church every Sunday, grew up in a lovely christian family with parents as pastors and had the perfect life. I've never even had a boyfriend, perhaps that has something to do with it? Then one day when I was about 16 I discovered masturbation and I would do it at least three times a day if I possibly could. However after a while I wanted more and just searching through YouTube found videos of people making out, this satisfied me for a while but not for long. I then found lesbian videos and would watch and masturbate to them regularly. But I don't understand, I am not a lesbian, why am I so drawn to this? I have also begun to get in to other stuff that I just think is so wrong and twisted, I have begun to watch clips of sadistic behavior, why would I be so attracted to such violent and evil stuff? I still love God and without all of this would call myself a strong christian. But I am now thinking I don't deserve to go to church and praise and pray. I am so despairing and cry for ages every time after I do it. You'd think I could just stop but I can't.