Ever since my brothers showed me my step-father's pornography collection when I was a child, I've been curious, and at times obsessed, with sexual behavior. My father also had a pornography collection, so it seemed to be wherever I went. At first it scared me, but then I found myself wanting to see it more and more. There were also a few instances when my brothers and their friends would engage me in very inappropriate behavior when our parents were away. Then in high school, a girlfriend began to watch it too, and so it became a common pastime of ours. Years went by and I would find time home alone at my house when my parents were gone and I would watch pornography for extended periods of time, I even took extra measures to make sure I wasn't caught, like rewinding the tapes to the exact place they were when I found them. I always had my browser history erased, and I was never caught. I noticed after high school that, even though I had remained a virgin, I was slowly becoming less sensitive to sexual behavior in my life. I started fooling around with guys and it ended up getting more involved each time it happened. When I was 23, I lost my virginity to a guy who ended up treating me very badly and I was heartbroken. After that, I was depressed for a long time, but I still found myself in a "friends with benefits" type relationship with a guy for several months. Every month or so, I would find myself alone at night and I would view pornography online. I had confessed to a few people throughout the years but it remained something I struggled with, although the frequency was greatly decreased. Almost two years have passed since I lost my virginity, and every once in a while I still view pornography, but I haven't been in any kind of relationship with anyone since. Then a couple of months ago, I joined a dating site just to meet new people. Nothing ever turned inappropriate in my conversations with the few guys I spoke to, and I even met a couple of them. Then, just two days ago, I decided to go out with a really nice guy that I had been talking to for a while. We had a great time. And we ended up going back to his house and I had sex with him. I don't know what happened or how I allowed myself to get into that situation, but I'm a leader in the youth ministry at my church and I'm so sick of dealing with this. How can I even call myself a leader when this is something that I cannot seem to get around? I hide it, even from my roommates, but now, I sleep with someone randomly? This isn't something I cannot allow in my life anymore.