I can remember having lustful thoughts at an age that seems awkwardly young. I started "pillow humping" by the age of 6. When I was 8 years old I walked in on my older brother and his friend watching a porno and they allowed me to watch it with them. I was 8, yet I can pull the images from my memory like it was yesterday. I remember thinking about sex often, but never telling anyone.
I started experimenting with boys when I was in the 6th grade. By the end of middle school I had basically done everything besides have sex. The first weekend of my freshman year in high school (I was 14) I went to a party with a friend and ended up staying the night at some random house. I agreed to sleep in the same bed with a guy I had met that night who was 19. We started kissing and I didn't think much of it because I had already had some experience under my belt. One thing led to another, and the next thing I knew I was crying while he forced me to go the next step further. Although I had read that there are many forms of rape, I was in denial of it because I felt that it was my fault since I had gotten into bed with him. I didn't tell anyone about it because I felt ashamed and dirty. After having sex with a complete stranger for the first time I displaced any value on sex and basically had it with whomever I chose from that point on. I lost count by the time I was 18, but I believe my number was between 10-15 partners.
I moved to Florida when I was 18 and was ready to start my life in a new city. I didn't have many friends, so I started chatting in chat rooms out of boredom. I ended up getting a webcam and would have fun getting dressed up to go in some random chat room and have guys drool over me. The guys would often ask me to take off my clothes, but I enjoyed being a tease more than anything. After a few weeks of doing this, I ended up meeting a girl who told me about the idea of making money online with my webcam. It started off as innocent fun. I would model a bikini or lingerie while I collected "tips" from my fans. I had fun getting lots of attention and playing around with the idea of voyeurism. But after a while, my innocent fun turned into an addiction. I thought I was addicted to the money, but looking back I think it was a mixture of money and attention. One thing led to another, and before I knew it I was hosting my own member’s website, doing nude webcam shows, selling videos of masturbation, and had even started doing some live nude modeling to get photos for my site. I was lying to my entire family (which was easy to do since they lived out of state), my "job" was hurting my relationship with my boyfriend of two years, and I had recruited many of my girl friends to get into the same line of work so that they could live on Easy Street like I was. After 3 years of this, I felt trapped by my lifestyle and was scared that I would never be able to turn away from it. I even tried quitting once because my boyfriend threatened to leave me if I continued the lifestyle I was leading. It didn't work. I think it lasted 2 weeks. I hated the idea of actually having to work for a living, and I convinced myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I would say things like "At least I'm not a stripper at a club" or "I'm not doing anything worse than what you see in a Victoria's Secret catalog". I was constantly making excuses for why it was OK. I would spend around 4-8 hours a day posting blogs, taking pictures, chatting, checking out other girls websites, and doing live shows. I was an addict to the fullest, and I didn't see a way out.
Then a voice spoke, and that was the voice of God. I randomly ended up at a church one evening and I opened my eyes and ears to God for the first time. I gave Christ my sin and allowed Him to take my guilt, shame, and burdens away. For the first time in my life I felt WORTHY. I felt innocent. I felt pure. God saw me as His daughter and not the person I had become over the years. A light of hope shined upon me, and I decided to follow Him. I quit my website, reclaimed my purity, and prayed for a new life with Him. He provided for me financially while I transitioned into a new lifestyle. It has now been almost 2 years since I turned my back on the world of adult internet entertainment. I couldn't be any happier. My new life is amazing, and I am so blessed to be forgiven of my past.
My purpose in sharing my story is simple. I know that if you're a man, you cannot specifically relate to my story, but I want you to get a glimpse of what it is like to BE that girl on the other side of the computer screen. That girl that you are looking at...the one who is posing naked...is DESPERATELY HURTING inside. She is crying out for help. She is lost. Whether she was raped, abused, or neglected by her father...there is a reason that she ended up in that lifestyle. She is searching for something, and she doesn't know what it is. She needs attention. She needs money to satisfy her material cravings. Most of all, she needs love.
I give you this as encouragement: Every woman that you lust over or look at is God's daughter that he is desperately seeking for her to come to Him. She is a daughter, a future mother, someone's sister, someone's future wife. She is your sister in Christ. I know that it isn't easy being a man when women are constantly tempting you. It makes things so difficult, especially online. But one way to help fight in this struggle is to always remember that God wants that woman's heart just as much as He wanted mine. He won my heart and taught me that I am worthy of His love. I no longer am a victim to sexual sin. He has helped me overcome my addiction to my website, sex, impure thoughts, and even pillow humping. He has given me the fulfillment that far exceeds any of those things. I encourage you to remember that He can help you overcome your struggles if you just hand them over to Him. And pray for the girls of the internet....for they are desperately searching for something that only He can give them!
(former camgirl and owner of www.**************.com *no longer a website)