Women - Confessions

i thought about making drastic chages in my life. i hoped that 2013 would be a year of break through and i still hope it will.
why is it that when there are other issues affecting your stress levels you seek "comfort" in something that brings shame?
i don't watch porn to masterbate; i simply watch to fantasise... i don't know what is worse! It's like i want their life because 'something' is happening to them and th girls are 'obviously' desireable whereas in contrast my life is pretty meaningless and iam unattractive.

i can be so much more than this right now, i know that deep down. i have many good qualities, a few useful strengths etc but everything i am is masked over by lust, deceit, fabrication, escapism.... everything.

i became so tired of my lifes cycle that i thought suicide was the answer; i felt convicted enough soon after, and i wont be trying that again.

i have a deep rooted integrity; a sense or a dream taht i am far greater than my current self, my current sin.
i am no where near the verge of being married, and there aren't any men in Churc that i can 'bat my lashes' at; not taht i would want to resort to trickery neither do i assume that marriage would be the answer.

Please tell me what will work. Any one! there has to be a better end, there has to be a better start to this year! or will i always be losing this battle until i die?

what should i do?