And that's the most frustrating part. I've always struggled with feeling like I'm not good enough for God. As if I'll get *this* close, but not quite close enough to reach him. I've seen him work in my life. I've felt it before. And I know how amazing it feels. But masturbation has been my struggle for six years now. On again and off again. I went through a phase of porn use but I don't use it anymore. And that's the problem. I don't need the stimulus. In fact stimulus is almost a distraction. I fail when I'm alone - left totally alone. And then I invest, and I forget that I've been trying so hard not to do this thing that makes me hate myself, that distances me from the God that loves me, the God that died for me. And it isn't until afterward that I stop and feel the wave of overwhelming guilt tell me that I'll never make it to heaven, into God's arms. I know that he's there, and that he wants me so badly. And I want him, I need him. So why is it in those moments that my flesh takes over and I become so weak? I am damaged. And I don't know what to do.