Hi, I am 22 years old. Been a Christian almost 6 years now... currently serving at a ministry full time as a missionary at a local place. I love the Lord but been struggling over the past couple of years with thoughts of the "old" life. I lost my virginity when I was 13 because I wanted to please the guy I was dating. After that, I would meet and date guys I met online and eventually fell in love with an abusive man who only wanted me for sex. I was totally in love with him and till this day... still think a lot about him. Sometimes I fantasize being together with him, even though it's been at least 5-6 years since I last saw him. When I became a Christian I ended the relationship because I knew it was wrong. I stopped all sexual activity after that as well, but lately over the past couple of years... the temptation has been great. The struggle to go back to who I was once was before Christ often lures me away from walking with God. In fact, some days I wish I wasn't a Christian so I didn't have to struggle so much with these sinful thoughts of fantasizing of being with a man in a sexual way. I used to masturbate but stopped when I became a Christian, but over the past couple of months... I've found myself playing with fire. Tempted to give it all up and be with any man, so instead of doing that, I masturbate. Just to do something to relieve the thoughts. What hurts most is that I love God, I serve full time as a missionary, have a lot of people who trust me. I'm fighting to walk with God. At times I really hate sin, dont want to be a part of it... other times I dream of a life where I can walk away from it all and give in to everything I struggle with (drugs, drinking, having sexual relations, any self destructive behavior/patterns from my old self). Guess I stumbled on this site, looking to see if anyone else is struggling and realize I need to let it all out, even if it's just to strangers. I have people who mentor me but I feel much to ashamed to say much because these past couple of years have been a struggle for them... I've almost quit the ministry multiple times, yet the grace of God keeps me here. I have a great support team here, but I'm afraid to share this with them because as it is... I've put them through a lot... and don't want to stress them out and for them to lose trust in me once again. This is a lot to read... thanks for reading. I am thankful for the fact that I am not alone... I can relate to the girl who posted on being a missionary candidate and wants to work with prostitutes... the ministry I am serving at is starting an outreach in the Fall and I am one of the forerunners for this, as God has given me a heart for victims of sex trafficking and prostitutes... I know I want a pure heart & desire to walk in the freedom that God has. I know the fight is on for my life and the lives of many others who need to hear who God is. I am thankful for the opportunity to share. Thanks for reading.