I was exposed to sexuality at a very young age. What some think is just kids being kids, was an opening for a life long battle within me.
One day my older brother came home and decided that he wanted to know how sex worked and decided that I was the way to find out. I wasn't "molested", but it opened a door. I ended up being a very curious child, the kind that you don't want you kids to have play dates with.
At around 8 years old I began watching late night pornography on HBO and showtime. My parents didn't know, I don't think they even know to this day. I would chat online with men twice my age about things I had no business knowing. At one point, I chatted with a guy on a christian website who was actually at a christian internship, I got him to have a sexual conversation with me. I still feel guilty about the fact that I may have ruined his journey to freedom.
I am a pretty big nerd, so I began reading fan fiction online, that lead to adult themed fictions, and erotic novels. My brother is now married and also addicted to porn, it is distroying his marriage. My sister was also kicked out of a internship for looking at pornography.
I know I am addicted. I feel rediculous, and ashamed. I am constantly disgusted with myself, I want to move on. I have a yearning to spend my time praying and worshiping in the presence of God but I am always either, distracted with my addiction, or weeping over my sad state and asking God to forgive me, even knowing and expecting to do it again. I am so tired. I don't know if I can fight anymore, yet, I know that if I don't fight, I WILL die. I just needed to tell someone. I am tired of watching the people in my family being destroyed by this. I CANNOT give up!!! I am reaching out, I have not yet confessed completely to anyone in my life, but I am planning to visit my mom this week and I am going to ask her to help me through accountablity. I have no one else. This sickness has kept me issolated. I just hope she will love me beyond my sin.