I signed up for XXXchurch newsletters years ago, but never really read them or visited the sight. However, today I'm so thankful for a reminder that there are resource for people who struggle with impurity.
As a female, I really don't know who to go to to talk about my struggles with lust. My roommate asked me once how to know when she's gone to far with her boyfriend because she doesn't have "those desires". I didn't know what to say. Not having "those desires" is entirely foreign to me.
I've been masturbating for as long as I can remember...but I didn't call it that when I was 5.. I just knew it was relaxing, and never made any connection to it being sexual. At age 14, an older guy in my fellowship started pursuing me. We started "dating" and he really opened my eyes to the sexual nature of teenage guys. He asked me to help him masturbate, and encouraged me to do it too... I then learned what I did since I was 5 was linked to sex.
He actually had an accountability partner. It was this accountability partner that called my mom when I was giving him a handjob... she came and checked on us (um...embarassing?), and the relationship was terminated. Praise God for that accountability, or else I would have further bought the deception that what I was doing was okay because I would marry this man anyways.
I guess what I could have said to my roommate was "don't arose or awake love till it so desires." Ever since that relationship, I have CRAVED someone wanting to do the same with me. I've been addicted to lust, and sometimes that has reared its head as seemingly innocent visits to websites that just talk about the male reproductive system and how much desire affects a male daily.
While praying yesterday, I realized I look at these things basically because of my insecurities about being desired and wanted. My current boyfriend tells me all the time how attracted he is to me. We've both confessed our past sins to each other and have committed to keeping the marriage bed pure.. we're even holding off on kissing for the time being. We sure do burn with passion, but foolishly, I guess in our restrictions, I've found myself wanting proof the he struggles with lust for me. It's really selfish.. I should be trying to help him resist temptation.
I have to remember that my worth first and foremost is in Christ. I'm a loved child of God to the point that He would pour his own blood out for my repeated sins. I watched the video on Porn Sunday and was really challenged and encouraged. I need to be praying for my boyfriend and trying to encourage him to. I need to find accountability somehow too. I think I first needed to confess that I've messed up physically before, and I repeatedly mess up in my mind.. as a FEMALE! and I hope that it might be an encouragement to other girls out there, especially those who were exposed to sex at a young age and regret it.